I said “Goodbye” before I can even say “Hello"

It was exactly 17 weeks (7-Nov-13). We started the day with cereals breakfast. After Hami went to office, baby and I are still hungry so I decided to eat sunny-side-up egg and rice. When I transferred the tefal cooker to the other stove, its glass cover suddenly rolled on the kitchen table and then dropped to the ground. The glass shattered into pieces. I do not believe in premonitions but I suddenly had the feeling of worry.. not so much about my baby but more of the Typhoon that is about to hit the Philippines (Typhoon Yolanda). Other than this incident, my day went by as usual.. I spent some time checking out my facebook, reading some stuff in the internet, playing Farmville and chatting with Hami.

I ate my lunch (shrimp and squash in coconut milk) around noon and took my prenatal meds. I started taking the Fish Oil supplement as well. Just like before, I almost choked while taking the Fish oil. I coughed a bit hard and I even felt my baby kicking. Around 2pm I started my usual nap. I easily dozed off.  I put my alarm at 4pm but I woke up around 3pm because of the urge to pee. 

When I went to the bathroom, I also felt like I want to poop. I sat on the toilet for some time (around 10mins) because the urge to pee and poop is there however nothing is coming out. My abdomen is starting to hurt. After some time, I managed to pee a bit. When I used the tissue to wipe, I was so alarmed to see fresh blood. I tried not to panic so much and called Hami (3.25pm). He immediately left the office to check on me. I tried to stay calm by going back to bed in order to relax my abdomen. However, only a few minutes just passed when I felt more pressure and pain in my abdomen like something big is pushing its way out! Then, more blood has started to come out. I didn’t know that I was already in labor then. The contractions became more and more intense and blood is already soaking up my underwear and pants. I called my OB (3.32pm) and told her about the situation. She said to immediately go to the hospital and meet her in the emergency room. 

By the time Hami arrived home (3.45pm), I’m already soaked in blood! We tried to check if it’s easier to call for the ambulance but then we decided that Hami will just drive. Hami carried me out towards the parking lot and we hurriedly made our way to the hospital. I feel like this is the longest drive of my life! I wanted to cry ever since I saw the blood but my tears are not coming out. 

When we arrived at the emergency room (4.10pm), the nurses and staff immediately took care of me. My OB also arrived after some time. I was in so much pain that I started screaming. When my OB checked, she told me that my cervix is already dilated. I am indeed in labor! She tried to scan for any sign of heartbeat but she cannot find any. They transferred me to the labor room and I can hear my husband insisting if I could be given any pain reliever because I was so much in pain. They gave me an injection in the butt which seems like a local anesthesia. It took a while for it to take effect. After some time (which seemed like forever!), the pain was lessened and I can feel something big that is stuck down there. The Head of OB Department arrived and also assisted. She told me to try to cough. I coughed for a minute or so and then I felt relief while ejecting the “big” thing (5.45pm). I also felt so wet.. I think I have released so much blood and pregnancy tissues as well. 

My husband then came back to the labor room and he said that he saw the whole sac (with our baby still intact) and the placenta. I haven’t seen what happened next because I was still lying in bed. I heard my husband asking my OB if we could find out at least what our baby’s gender is. He saw the nurse ripping the sac in order to take our baby. And then my husband told me that our baby is a boy. 

It was only then that I felt my tears streaming down my face. My OB came to me and held my arm. She did not say a word but her touch is comforting me in some way. I didn’t know how long I cried at that moment. I’m just so glad that Hami is also there with me all throughout.. that he is permitted to come and go in the labor room as he pleases. And then Hami carried the basin where our baby is. I looked at him and said my prayers for him. He is so complete and normal. He is about a foot long from head to toe. His legs and arms are long. His fingers are already fully formed. Tiny eyes, nose and ears. He doesn’t seem scary at all.. he looks so innocent.. and it looks like he’s only sleeping. I was still so sad then but I also felt a bit calm. At that time, I do not feel any physical pain anymore.. only the emotional pain of losing our baby.

Hami went back to our house (7pm), along with Tito Paul, to gather some clothes, my insurance card and some important things. I waited in the labor room, thinking and praying for our baby. And then it suddenly came to me that I wanted to name our baby, Aedam. No particular reason at all. It just crossed my mind. When Hami came back, he asked me what we would name our baby. Then I told him that I would like to call him Aedam. He instantly agreed.

I haven’t ejected all the pregnancy tissue inside my uterus. Around 8 or 9pm, they transferred me to the Operating Theatre for D&C. I was under general anesthesia so I didn’t feel anything. I woke up (after 1 or 1 ½ hrs) with Hami beside me.. I think my OB is also there explaining how the procedure went but I can’t remember a word that she said anymore. 

I was transferred to the ICU so they could monitor me closely. I think my OB said that I’ve lost a lot of blood so she recommended that I be transfused with 2 bags of blood. Around 1 or 2am, the blood bags arrived from Abu Dhabi Blood bank. They immediately transferred one bag; the other bag was transferred in the morning. Hami was not allowed to stay in the ICU. He was in our private room and I was alone in the ICU with the nurse checking on me from time to time. Even though I feel that my body is weak and tired, I didn’t manage to sleep well. I was awake and crying for hours. It would have been so much better if Hami is with me. My eyes and whole face is so puffy the next morning. 

Hami went to the ICU first thing in the morning and he told me that he also did not sleep well. We asked if we could be discharged the same day since I am already feeling well but the nurse said that they are still monitoring my blood. They took my blood sample to check if my hemoglobin has gone up. I also had my ultrasound to check if there are still pregnancy tissues remaining in my uterus. The sonographer said that there are still small tissues remaining but will eventually be ejected by my body. 

In the evening, my OB came and we told her that I am already feeling well. She said that I could stay in our private room and will be released the next day. We talked about what happened yesterday. She said that the placenta might have weakened and detached, which resulted to lack of food and air supply for my baby. She also mentioned about the bruises that are found in some portion of our baby’s head and legs. It seems like our baby struggled. L Samples were already sent to the lab for investigation. We also requested for genetic testing. We are hoping that there would be answers so that the next time that we would become pregnant, all factors will be considered. My OB is also telling us about taking Duphaston for the first 20 weeks regardless of whether I have spotting or not. She said that it is totally harmless for the baby and it would be used to support the pregnancy. She also told us that she has one patient who is taking daily injection of Clexane (blood thinner) till the end of pregnancy. It is recommended for high risk pregnant women who had previous miscarriages. She said that I may also be recommended to have a more strict bed rest and probably even to have my cervix stitched. Since I didn’t have any surgery this time, she said that I just needed to wait at least 2 menstrual periods before we could start to try to conceive again. We also asked if it’s possible to have our baby cremated so we could take him home.. but she said that UAE has strict laws about it and usually it is only from 24 weeks that they allow parents to take the body. In our case, it is more probable that the hospital lab will take care of our baby’s body.

As soon as we had our OB’s approval, we immediately moved to our private room. At least we have television there and we can sleep together in the same room. With my other IV dextrose gone in my other hand, I can move so much better. It’s much easier to eat, brush my teeth, wash my face and move around. We had KFC delivered for dinner and we watched Bourne trilogy in cable until we dozed off. I had much better sleep that night but still not much comfortable.

The following day, we requested if we could see our baby one last time. They brought him to our room and we spent some time watching him. I was trying to keep myself from breaking down but as soon as the nurses took him back, I cried again. It still feels like I’m dreaming.. I’m actually wishing that I was still sleeping and that any moment I would wake up in my bed and that everything is still fine. But as time passed by, it feels more real! I have never been so sad in my life. But in order to console myself, I am just thinking of positive things, of all the things that I have and all the people that I am with. I should also be thankful that I am still alive and healthy. I need to be happy for my son who is now in heaven together with our other angels – Amber, Liam and Joanne. I need to hope that God has bigger plans for us.. and that Baby Aedam is not really for us. I am also thankful that God has given me a very loving and supportive husband.. I can’t imagine having someone else with me during this time. I feel so blessed that we are in such a loving relationship and that with every trial that comes our way, we are getting stronger and our love for each other is more than enough to make us through the day! We are also blessed to have parents and family who love us so much and who have begun to genuinely love baby Aedam. It hurts me to know how affected they are upon hearing the sad news. I actually asked Hami to disable my facebook wall and to ask our relatives not to post anything or to send me any condolences because it would be harder for me to cope with our loss.

We were released from the hospital around 4pm on Saturday (9-Nov-13). Our follow-up OB appointment is after 2 weeks. I also have some medicines to take at home: Cefuzime 500mg (2x a day for 5 days), Neogyl 250mg (2 tablets 2x a day for 5 days), Methergin 0.125mg (2x a day for 3 days), and Panalife 500mg (2 tablets 3x a day for 3 days).

As we track our way out of the hospital, we recalled everything that happened that day.. and how it all happened so fast! I started to tear up again while realizing that when I entered the hospital I still have baby Aedam with me.. but now, I am leaving without him and it hurts so badly! I saw some blood in the car’s passenger’s seat. I was crying the whole time while Hami drove back to our house. I cried in the bed while recalling how I started to feel the labor pain, and I cried while taking a pee in the bathroom while thinking how it all started with the blood in the tissue. I thought that I’m already okay. But I guess our house just brings back a lot of memories of Baby Aedam even if he was just in my belly.

Hami planned to take some time off from the office so he could accompany me at home. But his boss told him that he doesn’t need to file for leave and he could just come by the office every day for a few hours and then go home again. I told Hami that I prefer not to stay at home all the time and I told him if we could have some change in our routine. The next day (10-Nov-13), we went to church to offer our prayers and also thanksgiving. After that we took our lunch at Pizza Hut. On the next day (11-Nov-13), we planned to go to the park but Hami forgot the ball so he cannot play basketball. We then decided to just eat breakfast at Mc Donald’s. We stopped by the gasoline station to have one of the tyres repaired. We woke up early the next day (12-Nov-13) and went to the park. Hami played basketball. I enjoyed watching him and breathing fresh air. The weather is now cold outside. It was refreshing being out of our house even for some time.

Just to document some physical changes that I have experienced after the miscarriage, I have summarized below:

Period-like bleeding (like Day 3 of period and becomes lesser each day). Exactly a week after the miscarriage, my bleeding completely stopped. But the day after, it went on. But I only use the lightest pad and change only once daily. It is merely like spotting now (2 wks after mc).

Abdominal cramps (less painful than period). About 2 wks after mc, I had abdominal cramps like what I experience during my period. I feel uneasy and quite hard to move so I tried to relax my abdominal area by lying flat in bed.

Very sore boobs which started 3 days after the miscarriage.. they become so hard and painful. It’s like having breast cramping! I can’t sleep comfortably in either of my side. I tried to put cold towel and it relieves the pain temporarily. I need to wear tight but comfortable bra in order to keep them in place even while sleeping. I also observed after 2 or 3 days of severe cramping that some milk are coming out (which stains my bra). I didn’t try to expel the milk because I’m afraid that my body will think that I am breastfeeding. I just endured the pain and the stains. After about a week of total discomfort, my breasts softened gradually.

Leg cramps during the night (3 days after the mc – about 1-3 days)

My pregnancy appetite is also gone. I do not feel the frequent hunger anymore.

I do not have any difficulty peeing or pooping. I still wake up during the night to pee.. I think my urinal track has not yet fully adjusted. However after a week or so, my peeing gradually normalized.

I do not feel sensitive to smell or taste anymore.

I do not feel bloated. My stomach feels so much emptier.

I walk and move much faster than before. I feel much lighter.

I’ve lost 3kg a week after my mc (from 55kg down to 52kg). In order to retain a healthy BMI (>20), I need to maintain my 52kg or more weight.